Still on blogging hiatus

Sorry again.

There is much to be spoken about in the world of work, but unfortunately the difficulty of day to day life has consumed me such that I can not spend any headspace on writing about it for you all.

I will be back shortly when I get my shit together 🙂

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Apologies for the delay

Sorry kids, I’ve been a little slack in the update land. Things have been hectic, tiring, exhausting, and I’ve been a mess both professionally and personally.

Things should resume back to “normal” once I reboot. It should also be duly noted that my immune system seems to be doing battle with a perpetual on-again, off-again bug, and my weekend stint on the beach with piercing winds and rain seem to have locked in a bit of a lurgy, possibly for reals this time.

LOTS to tell, many stories from work, much intrigue, but it will have to wait until I’m either well enough mentally and/or physically to spill my guts…

Take care, fellow bloggers and blog-readers.

Another small revelation…

What I’m discovering more and more through my experience of anti-depressant withdrawal is that I have literally forgotten how to feel. How feelings feel. Ok, it’s hard to explain, I suppose I mean that, to a degree. the chemicals tend to mask what ‘anger’ really is, what ‘sadness’ is, what ‘happiness’ is. What it TRULY is.

The struggle again is that through a renewed exposure to the senses, it is ever more difficult to separate what is a ‘true’ feeling, and what is a ‘withdrawal’ feeling. For lack of a better way to express this, I feel utterly miserable, depressed, amotivated, and ‘stuck’. But did this exist before I stopped taking my pills? Or did stopping taking them amplify everything to the nth degree?

Please don’t worry too much about me. The only thing I need is for people to hear me, to hug me, to hold me while I cry. I’ve always said I wouldn’t act on my thoughts of suicide, and that still stands, but I am getting a little disturbed by how frequently I’m thinking about it. I’m riding the wave, I am desperate to get off being dependant on chemicals, and I want to get to that side of me that I once was marginally happy with. I successfully withdrew from Lexapro in 2007, and was chemical-free for 3 years, with only minor bumps along the way. I keep thinking – if I could do it then, I can do it now.

So I’m staying strong. In a world where death and destruction currently seem to be the norm, this is becomming increasingly difficult. The floods in my home town, followed by a cyclone, followed by more natural disasters in my country, followed by political unrest in the Middle East, followed by the earthquake in Japan – on one scale it can put our troubles into perspective, on the other, I feel my thick skin becomming peeled away and feeling so overwhelmed by how.. FUCKED.. everything is. And what is there to do? I suppose in my profession, and in my life, we make do with what we got, we help people in whatever way we can. It’s never enough, and that is hard, but if we keep thinking about it, then what kind of life is that?

I had wonderful goosebumps during the show I saw tonight, and teared up when I noticed how happy and overjoyed the whole crowd and band were. It was a rare moment when every other day I get goosebumps, and cry, for very very different reasons.

I – WE – need to stay positive. In whatever way we can.

IMAlive – a project to support

I meant to post this before I went out tonight, but just ran out of time (subsequently missing the first minutes of Belle and Sebastian).

As a frequent visitor of PostSecret, I noticed a new project they were spruiking. It’s an American service, and they need 1000 volunteers in order for it to go live as planned. IMAlive is hoping to be the first online crisis intervention and suicide prevention network. I for one, with everything I’ve been dealing with it and all the people with who I interact, think that not just America, but the freakin’ world is crying out for this.

Anyone from the States who chances upon this, I urge you to help in whatever way you can. I was moved to the point that I had to send the people putting it together an email saying “I can’t contribute monetarily or voluntarily, but I will tell everyone I know about this so not only word gets out, but in the hopes it gets the support it needs”.

I also was curious whether anyone knew of any similar networks, IM services, chat sites, where this was being trialled? I had to ask those at IMAlive whether they were going to include others outside America to seek help through the service, but then realised that rather than overloading them, it would be excellent to use them as an example to seek funding through our own (currently useless) government and create a similar scheme.

There is a lot to be said for the online world linking hands and helping one another. I can’t pick up a phone when I feel my worst. But I do tend towards blogging, writing, and spilling my guts on social networking sites where often I am left feeling more alone than before.

It is about time the internet was utilised for far more helpful purposes than telling the world what colour underwear you are wearing.

it’s getting a little too hard

i am finding it harder and harder to discern the difference between my withdrawal and the general shit that is occurring in my life. As a friend mused yesterday, it’s both and they’re feeding into one another.

I am in a state of ambivalence in my relationship and i feel so sad, all the time. i physiclaly can’t stop the tears from coming. a close friend told me to stop airing my grievances online and do somehting about them, but to me, this is doing something about them.

so i’ve been looking forward to seeing Belle and Sebastian tonight for so long, and now today? i don’t want to hear any happy music for fear i’ll lose my shit. Their new album has some sad notes too and gees I feel sad listneing to them too..

 

i want it to stop, but i feel i need to do something to stop it. but what?

 

PS > on a strange note, work seems to be my only respite currently.

Nothing today…

Look up! I added a new page – Goals … I need some help with motivation, because I seriously don’t know how long I’ve been sitting on these ones for. Some at least 5 years. Time to pull the proverbial out.

In other news (despite saying “nothing today”), things have finally quietened down enough with my clients (with 3 of them not talking to me, and one currently not in the state), that I have actually (almost) completely caught up on paperwork, and followed up on a ton of stuff that I’d been meaning to do for yonks. In addition to that, sent a brilliantly snarky complaint email to one of my client’s financial administrators who sat on an invoice for a new fridge and washing machine for two weeks (leaving my intellectually disabled client eating out of an esky for that time). Pretty pleased with myself, especially since it was sent early in the day and still no response… hehehe someone’s getting their knuckles rapped.

A good week so far, but hey it’s only Tuesday.

 

Finally, HAPPY INT’L WOMEN’S DAY!!

Motivation

I believe I’m a pretty creative person – or at least, I tell myself and others that, but it’s been a long time since it’s been proven as the case.

I can spend hours stumbling, browsing, reading blogs, finding inspirations, looking through etsy – with that perpetual thought “I could do this!” but I never get around to doing it. For the past 3 years I’ve had the same things written over and over again in my aspirational list of things to do. What the hell is stopping me?

I suppose in some ways this can easily manifest itself in my work too – putting off things that are too hard, avoiding the challenge, or fear of asking the question that stands out most in your mind. It’s a block, and I put it down to lack of motivation – and deeper still, a lack of self-esteem and confidence.

So today I am choosing to better myself. To step outside of my fear of getting involved, and to challenge myself out of the “I will fail, so why bother” mentality. I’ve already loaded my new (old) Lomo camera that I bought about 6 months ago and never used. It’s loaded incorrectly, but so fucking what. We learn from our mistakes, and I need to start practicing what I preach.

I’ve also been tangentially surfing the web about all of the above little things – and I came across something that may interest any readers that are bloggers, or are considering to become bloggers, or just like writing and need something to kickstart the words.

This blog is actually useful for many other things, but the writing exercises post I think I might actually make use of. Hope you guys find it useful too.

I think I may need to put another page on this blog of all the things I actually want to achieve this year – and further on – so that at least it makes me feel as though I should make some attempts at proving myself to myself  that I am capable.

Ugh, motivation. Now I am sitting here with a billion things in my head and I can’t think of anywhere to start!!!!